We all had a lost year and in that there were some major setbacks and for others major successes as they found new businesses, found new perspectives and thrived. For others there was the loss of employment, loss of a business, family members, illness and overall stress of coping through what has been like nothing we have ever experienced in living on earth and may never again.
I fall somewhere in the middle of how I feel about the year, there were times I thrived and others that the sensation of being trapped in my hamster cage has taken a toll. Of late it has been more about the endless weather, the cold the rain and it’s challenge on my willingness to look past it and do things that give me pleasure. But the sun is out, my second vaxx is done and in two weeks I will have 95% or so immunity. And yes folks we are going to need a booster as the Nurse I met yesterday believes that is the next step given what he knows about the longevity of the current one. With that he shared his story of working in Miami during the peak of the pandemic. Shocking or not, the hospital he was at disregarded much of the protocols in place, including masks and distancing, and a seeming amusement over the hyper-vigilence that was demanded over care. This of course contradicts what was read in the papers but also was illustrated by the behaviors in the street by residents and visitors alike, so I suspect that his experience was in fact true and again much of a reflection of the overall composition of life in Florida, pandemic or not. Florida, the State of Idiocy should be its tourism slogan. (Trump, Gaetz and others who live there says it all) And as we enter the era of vaccines we are seeing true problems in Michigan and there the Governor has elected to not change the move forward, and do you blame her as the last time she mandated a lockdown a group of Militia crackpots planned to kidnap her. California is also doing so, as Newsom is pending a recall and the reality is that across the country there is little support for going back to the quarantine mentality that frankly did nothing from changing the course of the virus. Everywhere across the globe has found themselves dancing that ever changing seesaw where numbers decline during a lockdown only to rise again once lifted. So in other words we are right where we are in the beginning only now we have vaccines. With a mass vaccination program the reality is then the virus can actually be studied, tracked and traced in real time environments instead of theoretical ones. I recall in the beginning so many absurd studies, beliefs and other theories that have been either rescinded or ignored as time passed. Whatever happened to the South Korea restaurant where a person sitting 27 feet away contracted the virus from a positive patron. Or the gyms that were studied in July with maskless trainers and clients in a high intensity classes? Has that been studied since now gyms have begun to increase capacity? Then the Covid Theater of package transmission that only just was retracted by the CDC. I recall Fauci endorsing that despite the man having the credentials he possesses advocating such idiocy. But then again I had long thought he and the CDC under the leadership team of Evangelicals are not ones to follow. I turned to many other sources of information and used them to guide and inform me with regards to my behavior and safety. But then again I have the time and the desire for knowledge and truth. Funny that Governors and Presidents seemed to not do so and often disregarded and ignored many public health professionals who may have found better ways to manage the way the disease was tested, tracked, traced and isolated. They chose to go their own way and in a haphazard chaos was the result. It shows itself again with vaccine distribution and opening of industry. We are still very fucked folks .
So the lost year is another phrase that is used to demonize, demoralize Teachers and Students as if any of the efforts made to work with kids online to educate and accommodate the demands of families to meet their expectations and hopes to further them along the ladder. Well like the public health issues we found that we are also drastically underfunded when it comes to public education. Supplies are non-existent, consistency in leadership and organization when it comes to moving quickly into a new manner of business is not lost. Like Hospitals overrun and ill prepared to handle a new virus from PPE to treatment, our schools quickly had to become online facilities and still provide the services that a physical entity provides – from food to books/computers. And with that open and close doors as if it was a revolving one to meet the arbitrary and ever changing metrics of what defines risk. Private schools never did and does that make them better or just different because families pay money in which to make sure that they have all they need. Just like private hospitals. You get what you pay for in America when it comes to health and education. And that lost year will also be one of debate for it will be as unequal as our economy is.
To understand how or why medical care was the true reason we were forced into lockdown versus the endless competing models of expected deaths should we not, read ProPublica’s article on these front line EMT workers and how broken that line is. You will see hospitals without oxygen, space and staff able to care for the numbers that came and keep coming despite lockdown. So did quarantine accomplish what we heard endlessly, “slowing the curve”. I it did only partially as we have come to realize that we are not being told the correct numbers and demographic breakdowns of the victims. We know Nursing Homes, Hospital workers, Meat processors, usually essential workers, and others trapped in poorly ventilated confined working spaces. Every story I hear of a wealthy person contracting Covid they seem to not know how they got it but they recovered. Access and availability to early care may be the reason. Again we don’t understand the virus but we know it is prolonged exposure usually low ventilation. So are you really going to enter a restaurant or a gym when we know that they are the lowest to fix that issue. I went repeatedly to Home Depot a large space, with fewer customers and well I am fine. Without contact tracking and tracing we cannot know if the workers and customers there were exposed there or from another family member who worked at the Grocery Store and they brought it home and passed it onto other workers/customers. So here is the plan we won’t test them every day/week and monitor them as a test/lab case and then just hope people do their own version of it. That is not working out. Hunting something invisible is impossible without a big team and commitment. So why not have staggered work times, better health care and paid leave when sick. Try that one.
Which also brings me to the lost year for women. It will undoubtedly affect women in ways we will see in decades to come. The career and education loss is already begun. Despite that it was a woman, Kari Kariko, behind the RNA use in vaccines, she spent years trying to fund and support her theories and without a “beard” to help get this work done we may be still in lockdown. So go figure it would be a woman, but she is like many Scientists of that same gender who will be further marginalized in their work despite it all. And that is crossing the lines of all professions, white, blue or pink.
And lastly to vaccines itself. The Johnson & Johnson pause is not in response to the six blood clots, no, it is because of the scandal at the lab contracted to manufacture their vaccine. Had the New York Times not exposed the endless errors of a facility known to be shoddy, the lack of training and clear oversight I am sure the vaccine side effects would have been passed over. The sheer number of percent of those with the side effect versus the number of vaccines given, again is a confusing thing with folks, like Covid, where there is less than 10% of cases making it to ICU’s. But that is a big number when there are 1000’s of cases and just 100 overwhelm a poorly equipped ER. Did I say we are still fucked?
With that we have the issue of race and class. I am done with my rounds of shots. I am pushy and aggressive and of course lied. I learned early on to do that with this bullshit. My neighbor who I talked into getting one called the City hotline was honest and was declined. Her co-worker shamed her, she called Walgreen’s and lied and was given one that afternoon. They cannot ask for medical records, did we not learn anything here people? This is an honor system and I have long lost my honor with this. I talked another friend into a shot and he got it the next day as I found the loophole that anyone working in “essential” services regardless of where they live gets one. He lives in New York but works here, was shot up the next day. And the last was the young Black man who was my Barista. I have spoken about him and walked out on that one. And I read this editorial in The New York Times and the reality is that this is America, where lies, conspiracy’s and cabals rule the thoughts of many regardless of color. We love our lies they make us feel superior or inferior.
Racism Makes Me Question Everything. I Got the Vaccine Anyway.
Surviving in an anti-Black society requires some personal negotiations. This was one of them.
By Damon Young
Mr. Young is a contributing opinion writer and the author of “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Blacker: A Memoir In Essays.”
April 9, 2021
Last summer, when Covid-19 vaccines were in development, friends on text threads and Zoom calls asked if I’d get one. My response was always the same: Sure, I’ll be right in line — after 100 million of y’all go first. I told them I’d seen too many zombie movies. But my hesitancy was actually grounded in a less cinematic reality: I just don’t trust America enough.
This mistrust comes from an awareness of the ubiquity of American anti-Blackness — a dynamic that can, um, modify your sense of reality. That’s what happened, for instance, with the persistent myth of Tommy Hilfiger’s racist comments.
In 1996, owning a Tommy Hilfiger shirt was everything to 17-year-old me. But a year later, I’d completely extracted Hilfiger fits from my rotation. Word had spread that Tommy Hilfiger, in an interview with Oprah Winfrey, had complained about Black people wearing his clothes. The shirts, windbreakers and parka I owned were immediately relegated to the deepest parts of my closet.
Mr. Hilfiger never actually made those racist comments. In fact, he hadn’t even been a guest on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” when the rumors started. But the myth wouldn’t die because it felt so true that to question it felt like gaslighting your own Blackness. Of course this white man with aggressively preppy oxfords and an American flag aesthetic would believe that people like me sullied his brand. It just fit.
The same way, a story about Dorothy Dandridge and a pool just fits: As the urban legend goes, the movie star was visiting a hotel in Las Vegas in the 1950s, and she dipped a single toe into the all-white swimming pool. This so disgusted the hotel’s management that they drained the entire thing. This story, which was also depicted in the HBO biopic about her life, has never actually been confirmed. But to anyone familiar with the history of America’s relationship with its Black citizens, the anecdote is believable. Maybe it ain’t true, but it also ain’t exactly a lie.
To question whether this bottomless skepticism is justified is like asking whether a cow has cause to be wary of butchers. From redlining and gerrymandering to the Tuskegee experiment and Cointelpro, the proven conspiracies against Black Americans are so devious, so deep and so absurd that they blast open pathways for true-sounding non-truths to enter, too.
The terrible spoken word poems I wrote in college (“We’ll never get justice, because justice for just-us just-aint-for-us”) habitually referenced the so-called Willie Lynch letter — an instruction manual for controlling Black slaves that I, along with many others, believed was written by a slave owner in 1712 and contained deep insights into modern race relations. The truth: Willie Lynch never existed and the document was forged. I believed that the government conspired to track my thoughts and movements — as if my flaccid stanzas and banded collar Wilsons Leather biker jackets were a threat to the state. I even once allowed myself to entertain an argument that the natural color of milk is not white, but brown. (Don’t ask.)
The term “hotep” has become a catchall among Black people to describe other Black people who still believe some of these easily debunked stories — but the reality is that most of us have some hotep in us. And not because we don’t know how America really works, but because we know too much. The lack of trust in our nation’s systems and structures is a force field; a bulwark shielding us from the lie of the American dream. And nowhere is this skepticism more justified than with the institution of medicine.
I don’t trust doctors, nurses, physician assistants, hospitals, emergency rooms, waiting rooms, surgeries, prescriptions, X-rays, MRIs, medical bills, insurance companies or even the food from hospital cafeterias. My awareness of the pronounced racial disparities in our health care system strips me of any confidence I would have otherwise had in it. As critics of a recent Saturday Night Live skit suggesting that Black people are illogically set against getting vaccinated pointed out, the vaccine hesitancy isn’t due to some uniquely Black pathology. It’s a direct response to centuries of anecdote, experience and data. (Also, the demographic among the least likely to get a vaccine? White evangelicals.)
Despite all this, in March, I stood in a long line to receive my first dose of a vaccine to prevent me from becoming seriously ill from a virus that I had no idea even existed 14 months ago.
My journey from “I don’t even eat hospital pizza” to “voluntary Pfizer guinea pig” is complicated, but not singular. Existing in America while Black requires a ceaseless assemblage of negotiations and compromises. Even while recognizing the anti-Blackness embedded in society, participation is still necessary to survive.
For instance, I am dubious that American schools are able to sufficiently nurture and prepare Black children for 21st-century life. But my interest in home-schooling my kids is the same as my interest in letting them attend school on Neptune. So my compromise is to allow them to attend school, but then to also fortify them with as many academic, social, and political supplements as possible.
Sometimes the negotiation is just the choice to participate: My parents were two of the tens of thousands of Black victims in the subprime lending crisis. I watched them be evicted from their home after loan terms they just couldn’t meet kept multiplying. But when I was ready to buy a house, the gateway to homeownership was through those same banks.
The trust still isn’t there. Will never be there. But the negotiation that placed me in that vaccination line last month required me to weigh that distrust against all that I miss. I miss the year we just lost. I miss playing basketball. I miss watching it with my dad. I miss barbecues. Malls. Movie theaters. Restaurants. Cities other than Pittsburgh. I miss only needing to be hypervigilant about racism and gluten, and not whether the air inside of a Giant Eagle supermarket might kill me too. And I know other people miss their years and their hobbies and their dads and their homies. With the disproportionate havoc this plague has wreaked on Black and brown people, my desire to return to some semblance of normalcy and prevent more death is a force greater than my cynicism.
I’ve already begun to fantasize about the cookout I’ll host after I get my second shot, and each of my equally-suspicious-about-America family members and homies get their shots, and enough time has passed to feel safe gathering. Maybe we’ll laugh about how us seeing each other was only possible because we trusted an institution that has been pathologically untrustworthy. Or maybe we won’t. Because that’s not actually funny.