What a Mother

Today is Mother’s Day where we honor perhaps the most complex human and relationship we will ever have in our lifetime.

I cannot nor will go into the complex tragic, joyous, frustrating relationship I had with my Mother. She has long been dead now over 35 years and what is passed is just that in the past and nothing can change what transpired but I can change how I manage my emotions with regards to her and our relationship. My Father is now just over 10 years dead and with him I will always have complex tragic memories and with that tucked among them some good as he too was equally complex and tragic figure whom, like my Mother I never really knew or understood. That carries forward into all my relationships, past and present, as I do not trust, understand the nature of what they need and what I need from them in which to make it whole and fruitful so I choose to not pursue any. I have run from job, to home, to persons in which to avoid conflict and drama that seems to define almost ALL relationships, be they personal or business. Anyone who thinks otherwise needs to watch more, listen more and say less. Observing the interactions of others can be quite telling even when little is said.

Needless to say I will not be attending any Brunches today or well any other day. Actually I cannot think of anything more boring and the late Anthony Bourdain was quite dismissive of the practice and many Chef’s have been quite honest about how they are often cost prohibitive for their Restaurant and yet are dependent upon them. In other words – Lose/Lose. And that pretty much sums up my own feelings about the experience of sitting en masse and trying to connect to others whose commonalities seem to be either work or family related. It has become almost to near impossible for individuals to make friends not related via work or familial, be that through birth or marriage. It explains why people are so pro finding a mate as it secures a “friend” for life without all the daily effort in which to maintain it; thus explaining the high divorce rates as well.

I am rarely if ever lonely; however, I can find myself bored of my own company. I attend a great deal of Arts and Entertainment but I do so alone. And upon occasion I have had random encounters that were fulfilling and gratifying in which to alleviate the boredom and bring me positive reminders of the goodness of humanity. I am afraid that has happened less and less and with that I feel it has accelerated that once dormant push to extricate myself and move on. I came to Jersey City with great hope and expectation that this would be my forever home. I could not be more wrong and largely it came in the same way it did in Nashville, over time and spending time observing and learning and attempting to make effort into building community. And that comes from the most central of all community building, the public education available. And with that I did what I did in Nashville and found the history behind their system despite most of New Jersey having a superior system across the State, excluding largely poorer faces of color and those who English is not their first Language. A reality that is across the Nation and this story in the New York Times discusses how Climate Change is another factor in how that diaspora is the most affected by decisions and lack of funding parallel another human kind of disaster. I can assure you that it will not get better and it is clear that our lessons have never been learned. It is also why I want to leave the area, as even NYC costs of living there has now exceeded the worth. When you examine what the simple payback is, you realize it is all output with very little in return. Lack of affordable housing the primary one and the focus on youth. (Again the youth means 21-35 not the actual youth of the City who have equally atrocious segregated schooling) This seems to be the standard bearer when it comes to all relationships and it also tells you that it may not be worth it. I see the City different now that I am inside and looking through the window that being outside looking in. It is not aging well in any sense. Covid took a life and strangled that city in ways that will take decades for it to recover. The aged population that is the largest cohort (Developers believe otherwise and with that the costs of living regardless of age is absurd) and with that I find the aging not aging well in the City. It should not be Sex and the City it should be Old in the City. I see hunchbacks, stoops, walkers, canes, wheelchairs, mobility issues, hearing problems and yet youthful skin and faces and expensive clothing on bodies that are falling apart. It is not pretty in the least. We all want to age and die in dignity and what I see in the streets, in the theaters, the bars and shops are elderly who can afford to die at home but there is nothing dignified by any of it.

And to think that young people are going to relocate there and live in micro units pay well over half their salary in rent to experience this is absurd. The geriatric set cannot support the Arts and while every now and then I see full houses at the Phil, Carnegie Hall or the Metropolitan Opera it is largely White, well over 65 and the few that are privileged enough to go upon occasion, but not season ticket holders who have large purses for large donations. These orgs are bleeding money and desperate for a new Audience who simply do not have the means. And that is across the Country but here if you can make it here you better have a lot of money and be able to burn it if not spend it.

And that is what Mother’s Day is about birth, rebirth and family. If you have none as I do then it is about the self and self care. I find that in the cultural options in Manhattan, the NY Phil was amazing this Friday with a set of Mozart along with an altered Beethoven piece thanks to the second time around termination of two players accused of sexual assault. That is one thing that also never seems to get old. And a finale of the Met Opera’s Madam Butterfly. The story of a young as in 15 years old young, orphan girl ofa once good family sold off to marriage to an American Soldier. She embraces his culture and beliefs much to the chagrin of her own remaining family and in turn gives birth to a Son whom the Sailor never met as he left shortly after consummating his marriage and his “Bride” to return to the States. Three years later she awaits his return in desperation and once again near poverty when he arrives with his American wife to see what was his past and now his destiny. The production was full on Met and it was cast with two amazing Singers whose range and Chemistry was not unlike the powerful Romeo and Juliet I saw last month. The Met has its clunkers as I once again saw Fire in the Bones and yep it still was a mess, the Second Act an improvement on the first but despite the presence of a much better Baritone in Ryan Speedo Green it still was to say the least underwhelming. I have much to compliment Terrance Blanchard for tackling this but there needs to be a stronger editing hand to much of the new Opera as it lacks a cohesion, see the Hours as an example of that and the term “hot mess.”

But we all need more to fulfill us and when you see check after check be written and you walk on the streets and see shit (both Human and Animal) literally everywhere. The failures of our infrastructure and the adjacent bodies of Government simply failing to provide basic services (well its tough when everyone from former Presidents to current Senators being on trial and Mayors and others fighting investigations) you can see where the money is being spent, and none of it good. And all of them had Mothers who wanted it better for their Sons and their Daughters and that is not always the case anymore. We can only ask for what we need and want and hope we can reconcile the two. That will take a hell of an Accountant I believe. I am not sure we can afford even one of those.

Maybe we all want Better Mothers who can fix all of this.

Watch Out for the Better Mother

May 10, 2024

By Pamela Paul Opinion Columnist The New York Times

Sometimes, particularly in a public parenting setting, I will play the Better Mother. This is the mother who stands attentively outside a music audition, serenely listening to the notes emanating from within. She realizes the parent next to her said “Haydn,” not “Biden.” When her child emerges, the Better Mother isn’t sprawled on the floor playing Spelling Bee but instead greets him with encouraging commentary on the second movement. Also, she has brought a snack.

The Better Mother understands the lacrosse match (game?), cheering at appropriate moments in ways that hearten rather than humiliate. She knows the coach and chats amiably with team parents about various maneuverings on the field, nimbly expanding the conversation to school committees and after-school events. She did not bring a book.

The Better Mother ensures her kids have dress shoes that aren’t two sizes too small. She bakes. She reads official emails from school and camp from beginning to end. She knows which teachers your kids are supposed to get and whom to email if they aren’t gotten. She always brings a water bottle.

She is not the mother who didn’t know there was a school concert and has to sneak in as the lights go down. She knows which side of the field her child is playing on and possibly which position. She never texts at a stoplight with her child in the car.

She is empathic but not overbearing, affectionate but not treacly, wise but not smug, concerned but not anxious. She is the mother who knows danger but never checks in on a child for the wrong reason.

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The Better Mother is, by definition, a better mother than I am.

She can be a total stranger spotted at the museum or a familiar face at a birthday party. Either way, she is a natural star in the play for which you haven’t quite memorized your lines.

Most mothers — and fathers — probably have a personal vision of their own competition, depending on one’s skill set or lack thereof. For me, it depends on the context, my mood, the child in question and the spectrum of parental figures in the vicinity, even sometimes on which TV show I last watched or what book I’m reading.

For a period, I decided that a better mother than I was Mary-Kay Wilmers, a former editor of The London Review of Books, a woman I’ve never met but read about in “Love, Nina,” a memoir by Nina Stibbe, who served as a nanny to Wilmers’s two precocious sons. Wilmers surrounded her children with clever British eminences like the playwright and novelist Alan Bennett and the biographer Claire Tomalin, as well as the critic John Lahr. Raised among brilliance, her boys became sharp wits themselves, biting and slightly wicked in their humor.

As I didn’t have any storied literary figures lighting up my dinner table, I simply let loose all my own most caustic comments, the kinds of uncharitable thoughts you usually reserve for like-minded adults. Alas, without elegant British companions, I was merely encouraging a rude sarcasm. My error was highlighted in the presence of another Better Mother, my friend Robin, whose children looked strangers in the eye upon meeting, shook hands firmly and managed civilized niceties.

No one is suggesting you have to be the Better Mother — merely that you can play her in public at your discretion. When you’re surrounded by a bunch of slacker parents or all-out bad moms or you’ve had a busy week and need an extra boost, you can simply slip on the role, ideally in public, for a Sunday afternoon. Yes, I am saying you can fake it.

Mother’s Day brings forth the Better Mothers in droves, when they accept all due adulation. On such occasions, regardless of what kind of mother you are in reality, you can damn well play the part.

And who’s going to be the wiser? The ones we think of as Better Mothers could be big fakers themselves, women who shove unevenly microwaved Trader Joe’s items before their kids for dinner and call it a night. They could be the ones who post about their teenagers on TikTok or slap their toddlers in Target when an iPhone camera isn’t in the vicinity.

Or they could just be like most parents, occasionally too tired to read aloud, not hugely interested in seventh-grade algebra or simply not in the mood to play.

It is possible the Better Mothers are no better than the rest of us. Only our children know the truth.

Friends-Giving

With Thanksgiving now past we move into the core of the holiday season which actually concludes at Valentines Day in February. So for the next 10 weeks expect some sort of display, advertisement or article on how to stay sane/keep fit/find gifts and of course travel and do so despite rising costs of both travel and entertainment. Wow that sounds so fun!

I also will read numerous articles on loneliness and of course the rise in social isolation that has maintained since the onset of Covid in late 2019, when we thought it was just a simple virus and to be cautionary. Remember those holidays? No me either. I was still traveling between Nashville and Jersey and saw many travelers wearing masks as they were coming from Asia. I had been reading about the virus and knew instantly this was not something that will pass, little did I know how bad it would be. And then by the New Year it turned quickly to shit. Remember those fun pressers with Trump and the counterpoint Andrew Cuomo who would use their pulpit to bully and to coerce others into compliance and cooperation or sheer ignorance and little respect for others let alone their own health? Yeah and the rise of Fauci who retires next month and to never see him again either is fine with me. All three of these Stooges did little to assuage or comfort Americans with their endless polticizing, conflicting and contradicting messaging and of course the sheer bullshit that came out all of it from both sides of the political aisle. Not the first time I have seen a transmissible disease used as a political football, but hopefully the last. Nah, we had Monkeypox and that seems to have faded but that is fine as vaccines for diseases that are totally preventable are on the decline. Enjoy those pox/measles and the like at your holiday buffet and then when you have illnesses later thanks to the post affects of them, you can thank yourself and your family for their ignorance and lack of access to proper medical care. Folks few people have family Doctors and rely on Urgent Care and ER’s for their primary care which by then is now past the preventative stage. America, bringing back epidemics one at a time.

So with that we enter the phase of the moon where after three years of paranoia and hysteria we are to gather together and put all that aside to share a plate of food that may or may not cost more, taste any better or be worth all that time or travel to sit at a table and talk about what? Sports? TV? Movies? Books? Oh wait no one reads books they read Social Media that tells them about books. So they talk about I guess Book reports that they saw/heard on Tik Tok.

I go to a great deal of events of which I write about here, largely because this is self published and with that it is still considered published work and for that I can get some tax credits for the cost of doing so. I struggle keeping up the blog and was beginning another to draft fiction and see how to create work from what is ostensibly non fiction and turn it into fiction to avoid the whole concept of what is “creative non fiction” versus actual non fiction. Meaning that I can change names, situations and blur truth with well lies or made up shit isn’t that fiction, created non truths? Sometimes writing linear stories are boring and why most non fiction is not well read or sold other than a few bios that draw the eye and then the Author disappears back into the world to never have that kind of success again. The late Author, Julie Powell of Julia and Julie is a good example. She never had that kind of recognition and acclaim that began as what? A blog. From that drew attention and success which it evolved into a book and movie that was never replicated again in her brief time on earth. Or how about James Frey who wrote a creative non fiction book that was so beloved by Oprah, then it was discovered it was just that – creative fiction. His life ended in a similar fashion, once infamous now just sorta famous, a cultural footnote.

And that is the struggle for many who despite having had fame, fortune and success is finding a path that maintains this course of life and that the creative fuel or inspiration maintains. It ain’t easy. I can do small doses of inspired thought and then like any drug, it lasts for a moment and then back to real life. I get why people do drugs as they cannot handle the let down, the sense of high and with that the power it brings that makes one feel unique, special, loved. Read Modern Love in the New York Times or LA Affairs in the LA Times. These are the stories of the heart and head that talk about the success and failures of finding love and romance in the big city. I find them incredibly amusing, boring, sanctimonious, sad, or interesting. I don’t read them all the time but I do occasionally pass over them. I read one today, “When love calls, go.” My first thought, “Hang up the phone or don’t answer.” Honestly I did not get one word of that as it was a cultural story that one would have to understand the history behind the concept of race, identity, religion and belief in the institution and dogmas that are embedded into the belief of arranged marriage and its import to one’s family and history. But it continued to reinforce my belief that religion is the bane of all existence, especially to Women. Had that woman stayed in Hong Kong, had a thriving career, remained with her family and met someone on her own or not, what could have happened could have been equally if not more satisfying or joyous than meeting a dude and marrying him and moving across the globe to satisfy what appeared to be her family’s wishes, not her own. Wow. Just wow.

And in that same paper they had a story about a Breakup Bootcamp. It charges 4K to mend a broken heart. I knew in my heart I had potential to be a cult leader as I watch the Vow Season 2 on HBO and yet I also could not go through the charades and machinations to maintain such bullshit and duplicity. I mean once I cleared that first million I would be out of there and claiming that we must end this and go on our own journey to seek knowledge and freedom. Then I would immediately move to Switzerland.

I am not going to comment on any of that absurd bootcamp but it is about the same cost for some visits to Therapist over a brief period and add Yoga, a Sex Worker and a short vacation, it adds up so this is fine frankly if that is what you need to feel better. I am sure the ESP/NXIVM folks felt the same after their thousands of dollars dropped for bullshit jargon and coaching from ostensibly two white people that look like Middle School Teachers. Wow. Just wow.

But it is this pervasive FEAR of being alone. This has fueled many of the shooters who have no social ties and cite a lack of a “girlfriend” as their reasoning. The most current crop that shot up a Bus, a Walmart and a Gay Bar seem to have the most diverse reasoning or lack thereof as to why as one committed suicide (the Walmart employee) and the others “motives” at this point will either evolve or never fully be understood as again it is less about the why but more about the how. How they get a gun and ammo and feel compelled to act upon their rage in a manner that kills and harms people just living their lives is the only thing I care about. This is not about mental health as you are already crazy to start amassing guns, get tactical gear and ammo to then act on your rage. Yes, you are crazy. The end literally and towards people who had nothing to do with your rage or anger. The exception it appears is the Walmart crazy who while working their expressed paranoia, delusions and rage yet not one co-worker or supervisor felt compelled to listen to him and inform those around him that this is a problem. And that may explain his list and targets. We truly do not actively listen, we patronize, ignore or simply are that self involved to not. Almost all shooters have expressed similar anger prior to their acts and yet again and again we go “mental health” but hey its clear we have no fucking clue what defines mentally healthy.

And again we have this insatiable belief or idea that you must be partnered off, have a hand count of life long friends whom you rely to be that family of another kind. Great my family were nuts so would this be a sane family and what is sane. While I found my Parents challenging as parents they were not bad people so being their friend is not an issue and with that I accept their limitations and have moved on the therapy stage of blaming them for all my ills. What I did learn was independence and the ability to rely on myself which can be overwhelming and at times I would appreciate someone else to do the heavy lifting. I would actually really love someone to plan something and include me in a genuine offer of friendship. This would be inviting me to a play, a movie, a walk. An ACTUAL invite with the exchange being that they do the planning/organizing or get the tickets and I will pick up a meal, drink or something in the future in which to reciprocate. I can truly say that will never happen. The last time I was invited to something was in Nashville to a baseball game that I did not want to go but felt I could not say no as to not hurt their feelings and I dressed and was ready with a no show text about 20 minutes before. I knew it was a lie and was furious and it was then I decided to lie and fuck with that individuals head from that point on. But is that mentally healthy? No, but I found it by far more entertaining and when I left I finally did admit that I made it all up I could in fact write fiction! I was by far more creative when I put my mind to it but it also changed how I saw people and the limitations I could foresee as I moved forward in life. And that led to the policy of No Compromise. Since landing in Jersey City I have had two social encounters with two different Artists, one I went to Governor’s Island with (which turned out to be the longest and best thing of that) and another who I met for coffee and she drank none and we walked around Union Square for about an hour. It was boring and neither of them I have seen again nor even remember their names. But again effort made, it was stalled and I moved on. No harm no foul and no compromise.

And this weekend I read the below article in the Washington Post from of all things an Economist who is concerned about the concept of Social Isolation. What resulted was not a far reaching discussion on health, loneliness and the overall affects it can pose on mental or physical well being. This was about the issue of choice and of situation. Yes the rise of mental health issues and the like that can be serious when we speak of those who are alone, and wish to be otherwise. That is completely different when one chooses be alone and or is simply alone, and yes folks I was in a marriage of one so you can be in partnerships that are of that nature. I refer to my Parents who again were the role model of that which I duplicated to a tee, so yes I do now know that boundaries and interests and relationships do not need co-dependency in which to thrive. And yes folks that my Parents did not do things together, sleep together, socialize or have interests together they were utterly co-dependent on that dysfunction that I thought that was “normal” or “healthy” and today I find myself content with the idea that yes that works for me now. Irony I am back to where I started only now I can articulate that and am sure I do not want a partner to live with me or fuck me. I just want a great friend whom I can do things upon occasion and have trust and respect as the foundation of such. That will never be a Woman they are incapable of it. We women are an unhappy lot and I just look to the Karen who lives in 946 below me and that performance in my Apt. on October 10. Then last week to get on the elevator with me and act as if she had no clue who I was confirmed it, she is what? Crazy. Just not gunshot crazy. And that is what falls under the umbrella of a mental health disorder.

And when I read the article and the comments that followed they too confirmed the reality is that most people choose to be alone, they are bored, frustrated, exhausted. Some come to it from years of having to care take and be the primary care giver, have had tremendous loss and want to be alone and some manage to have a healthy relationship with their partner/family and feel no great urge to be the life of the party. I am a great advocate of the “random” where your path crosses for an hour or two and take great pleasure in that exchange and then move on. I finally accepted that and often do make an offer of a future time but I don’t mean it and I really do. That is being polite. Most often I don’t remember their names and make sure that I am appreciative and thankful but I am done with it. The nice man I met with his friend (and yes I do recall both their names they were delighful and deserve that respect) on my Birthday whom I had dinner I die offer to reciprocate. My first attempt was in that same week to meet by coming into the city and running errand and saying I was stopping for coffee so if he was around to let me know and left it there. His response, “I don’t drink coffee.” So I told him to have a nice day and keep in touch. He did and with that I have been deeply bored with the texting and after my disaster at the Brooklyn Academy of Music and the German Actor in Hamlet I realized I was truly done with plays and theater. I had my few tickets left and was going but not going to discuss or pursue any further drama, literally or figuratively. So this weekend I planned a trip to Baltimore in January to see the John Waters exhibit and attend their acclaimed Symphony. As I planned it I recalled that the Gentleman was coming to see Death of a Salesman again (where we all met) on the 13th but I simply dismissed it then moved on with my plans. And sure enough the very next day I got a text with all the tickets and theater he was planning on attending that weekend. It was packed and unless I attended one of them on the same day and time I could not possibly reciprocate with dinner. I was secretly relieved. But with that I responded. “Wow great choices, shame I don’t do Broadway anymore and with that schedule I doubt we would have a chance to get together anyway. Enjoy”. His response was Happy Thanksgiving anyway. Loved the deep inquiry into “What you don’t do Broadway anymore?” Yeah, like coffee. Again the lack of curiosity and interest said more than had he expressed as such. Even if I wasn’t going to Baltimore that weekend I am back Sunday morning, but with a short window and his lack of coffee I am not sure what he thought we could do. Have Breakfast? I actually don’t do breakfast. So with that I suspect it is done. I am relieved as we had nothing to talk about but the play. There is only so much to talk about there. I am not sure he thought we were to be anything more than friendly acquaintances but the inability to communicate and speak about things other than a single subject be that theater, politics or sports is a problem folks.

I find it fascinating that people find me so “intelligent” which is great but it is really that I simply read, retain and seek knowledge and experiences. It takes so little effort to find things to do that I like. I went to see the play, Piano Lesson, with a very star studded cast on Tuesday. I have been a fan of August Wilson as despite all his plays taking place in Baltimore where he once lived, he lived his later years in Seattle and it was from there is how I became familiar with his work and life. He lived a short distance from me in Mt. Baker and sadly our paths never crossed but I am sure he would have been a lively conversationalist. And with that I decided to stay in the City for the night as to avoid another drama at my home And at what had to be the best find of hotels in Manhattan, Public, in the LES. I have fond memories of that hood, often staying there when I would visit. It is still a mixed but thriving area and with that easy access to and from Midtown and the PATH exchanges. I had the best time at Public, from a room upgrade to a bottle of Prosecco on the house, I can not say enough good things about the service or the hotel. It is a must go to stay or just to dine, drink or visit. I am going to have to find another excuse in the future to stay despite my disinclination to attend Broadway in the future. Yes that much was true as there is nothing next season I plan on seeing unless I buy day of or lottery. It is not worth it. Two more to go with an Off Broadway show, Man of No Importance and the Musical 1776, my calendar is now full of Opera and some Cabaret. But theater is no longer my muse and with that we will always have our moments but it must be exceptional in every sense of the word.

And you do atttend Cabaret you can reserve a table or sit at a bar seat and with that I will never sit anywhere but a bar seat. I am seeing Sandra Bernhardt next month and Joe’s Pub to end the year and wisely will take the bar. I did Below 54 last week as well and they “upgraded” me to a table. I shared with a Mother, and a Daughter and another young woman who also joined the table. I knew after I was cut off mid sentence I had nothing more to say so I listened to their conversation progress and the best part was the Young Woman was originally from Nashville, confirming that I needed to keep my mouth firmly on my wine as flashbacks and reminisces were not on the menu. So I listened to the table next to me discuss their theater going and thanks to that convo again reminding me why it was time to forego it as they defined the “type” of NYC theater audience. Their discussion defined pretentious but while they trashed one production the irony was that next to them at another table was the Stage Manager of said production. Ah NYC folks it is a small town. I have come to the conclusion that yes I am smart and smart enough that small talk is being polite but silence is golden, like the Tony Awards.

So why are people alone? Read Bowling Alone a 20 year old book by Robert Putnam. It explains it and shows that little has changed but the methods in which we did connect and socialize have eroded and with it today’s Social Media is anything but a manner in which to meet and find others just like you. We are all now algorithms, and as in math, like finds like to solve the equation. Math is Hindu-Arabic, its own language and you read it right to left and we are Americans who suck at math. That may be why as we are also not bi-lingual and we assume that all of the rest will come to do as we do, as we do it. Yeah okay.

So embrace aloneness, do not confuse it with loneliness. If one suffers the one prospers and you must find the ways to those tiny relationships that can boost self esteem and self worth. My stay at the Public Hotel did that. With that I found out 946 was gone for the week, but I am glad I did stay regardless; I needed to treat myself to civility and dignity. And that is how you meet others in that orbit of positive energy that enables me to thrive and survive. I have let the thoughts of suicide pass over me and that is all they do – pass.

I spent Thanksgiving watching old movies. First was Blackboard Jungle (which irony had Sidney Pointier as the bad student which only decade later he would be taking on the redeeming Teacher role and my influencer in To Sir With Love) and folks there may be more closeness to reality than I imagined when I read this about a former Teacher at one of the many schools I subbed at in Nashville – Johnson. This was,the last stop before Jail and I knew this Teacher but the story was right out of the movie. That school had many problems, including that at one point Nashville Police quit as they did not feel safe there. Yeah no one did, it was literally a block away much like the other school in Jersey City Bright St which was, until this year and it explains why I subbed there as well, but not one moment did I feel safe. There was no learning, no security and frankly no point. So after that flashback, I then watched the original Boys in the Band from 1970; a film about a Birthday party but in reality a gay night of anger, rage and recrimination by a bunch of Queer friends who define the word in a dysfunctional way, not a fun “gay” way. Toxic friendships are just that toxic and with that it shows that even Men straight or gay have anger issues. Yikes, how perfect for the holidays to remind yourself maybe being alone is not that bad of an idea.

Opinion Americans are choosing to be alone. Here’s why we should reverse that.

By Bryce Ward

November 23, 2022. The Washington Post

Bryce Ward is an economist and the founder of ABMJ Consulting.

The covid-19 pandemic wreaked havoc on our social lives. Cancellations, closures and fear of a potentially deadly infection led us to hunker down and avoid acquaintances, co-workers and extended family. Time spent with friends went down. Time spent alone went up.

Thanksgiving was not spared. Americans spent 38 percent less time with friends and extended family over the Thanksgiving weekend in the past two years than they had a decade prior.

And now for the scarier news: Our social lives were withering dramatically before covid-19. Between 2014 and 2019, time spent with friends went down (and time spent alone went up) by more than it did during the pandemic.

According to the Census Bureau’s American Time Use Survey, the amount of time the averageAmerican spent with friends was stable, at 6½ hours per week, between 2010 and 2013. Then, in 2014, time spent with friends began to decline.

By 2019, the average American was spending only four hours per week with friends (a sharp, 37 percent decline from five years before). Social media, political polarization and new technologies all played a role in the drop. (It is notable that market penetration for smartphones crossed 50 percent in 2014.)

Covid then deepened this trend. During the pandemic, time with friends fell further — in 2021, the average American spent only two hours and 45 minutes a week with close friends (a 58 percent decline relative to 2010-2013).

Similar declines can be seen even when the definition of “friends” is expanded to include neighbors, co-workers and clients. The average American spent 15 hours per week with this broader group of friends a decade ago, 12 hours per week in 2019 and only 10 hours a week in 2021.

On average, Americans did not transfer that lost time to spouses, partners or children. Instead, they chose to be alone.

No single group drives this trend. Men and women, White and non-White, rich and poor, urban and rural, married and unmarried, parents and non-parents all saw proportionally similar declines in time spent with others. The pattern holds for both remote and in-person workers.

The percentage decline is also similar for the young and old; however, given how much time young people spend with friends, the absolute decline among Americans age 15 to 19 is staggering. Relative to 2010-2013, the average American teenager spent approximately 11 fewer hours with friends each week in 2021 (a 64 percent decline) and 12 additional hours alone (a 48 percent increase).

These new habits are startling— and a striking departure from the past.Just a decade ago, the average American spent roughly the same amount of time with friends as Americans in the 1960s or 1970s. But we have now begun to cast off our connections to each other.

It is too soon to know the long-term consequences of this shift, but it seems safe to assume that the decline of our social lives is a worrisome development. Spending less time with friends is not a best practice by most standards, and it might contribute to other troubling social trends — isolation, worsening mental health (particularly among adolescents), rising aggressive behavior and violent crime. Americans rate activities as more meaningful and joyful when friends are present. Friends and social connections build on themselves and produce memories and fellowship. They also boost health and lead to better economic outcomes.

We can hope, as covid-related barriers recede, that people will change course.Time with friends did increase in 2021 after the vaccine rolled out; however, at the end of 2021, it was still an hour below the 2019 level. Furthermore, a Pew Research Center survey made public in August suggests that covid might have changed us permanently — 35 percent of Americans say that participating in large gatherings, going out and socializing in-person have become less important since the pandemic.

The potential harms of these trends are sufficient to demand that Americans devote some resources to understanding and reversing them.

You can help reverse these trends today without waiting for the researchers and policymakers to figure it all out. It’s the holidays: Don’t skip Thanksgiving with your family. Go to that holiday party (or throw one yourself). Go hang out with friends for coffee, or a hike, or in a museum, or a concert — whatever. You will feel better, create memories, boost your health, stumble across valuable information — and so will your companions.

Put effort into building relationships that you can count on in good times and bad because, as the song goes, that’s what friends are for. Besides, you just might have a good time.

A Night at the Opera

**edited to include photos of many I saw and sadly many I missed.

In the quest to test my comfort range and do things I normally would not be caught dead doing, I went last night to the Season Opener of the Metropolitan Opera, including attending the Gala Dinner following the opera which was Medea. This is a challenging piece rarely done, largely due to the stress on the Soprano who is to play this titular character and the one that made Maria Callas a STAR. Well a STAR was born last night and the story in the New York Times I feel captures the essence of this amazing woman who took on this role at her own request and with that a demand was met for more and today’s review only confirms this.

So off I went to what is a Black Tie event and often filled with varying celebrity beings and other essential Manhattan characters of wealth and import. I have no idea if any of them were there, as I don’t care one wit about those but the cast of characters that did arrive came in costumes that were worthy of another stage. There were many many men in gowns and the man in front of me sported a corset style coat with a peplum and a hair do that defied explanation. His eyebrows were covered with sequins and it was amazing to watch him walk up and down the aisle with many patrons trying to take discreet photos that he was more than willing to comply and then do the same of those who did not bother to ask permission. It was a pre show to the Opera that was to set the tone and sense of drama for the evening.

There were Men in Gowns with heels to match and with that I say it makes more sense than a Woman in one as it is way easier to pee. I tried to figure out how to navigate that idea of a train and gown in the Ladies room, on the Subway and commuting home and decided that between the undergarments, the shoes and glam required to carry it off, I could not do it; Instead I went with a Black Velvet Tux and Adidas Gucci tennis shoes. A the last minute a pit stop at the Gucci store I picked up a black silk tie to add to the ensemble. I was happy but my outfit was nothing in comparison to the woman nude beneath the crochet gown with just a nipple covering and g-string. Or the Versace clad group down to Kabuki style face masks, that was an ensemble best seen as it was impossible to describe as their feathers of their jackets were flying everywhere as were the pics as they posed for the crowd. Or the couple in full on dominatrix gear with the man’s breasts larger than his female companion. Her nipples were covered by the black leather bra her companion clearly needed. I kept thinking how comfortable could that be to sit for nearly three hours or next too. The man with the amazing hair I prayed did not lean to the right as it was view blocking.

To say an all day affair would be true as it took me two hours just for my make up so when I got there at 5 pm for cocktail hour, I was seriously in need for a drink. The opera began just after 6 and concluded just after 9 where many of us then adjourned to the park next door for dinner, which lasted well into midnight. Sadly none of the more colorful attendees made it to that portion but I was quite happy with my table of 10 and the flow of wine that followed.

My table was a delight, two women, one couple a single woman like myself, a couple from DC and two men, one from Manhattan who was there alone and left with the other woman, no comment as he said he would be leaving early into the dinner so coincidence? A charming man who despite shelling out $2500 for the evening oblivious to the fact that the Met had run a full season last year without missing a beat. Clearly that is support in absentia (or he really is not an opera goer unless he is compelled to, meaning free tickets). Attendance last year was erratic but many Operas had sold out and the season was well received and well publicized so that excuse I knew was bullshit but hey again he was in a Tux and there so he was not unlike all of us who seemed the atypical audience for an event like this.

But it was the Gentleman to my left who I spoke to throughout dinner, he was also from DC and had come up for the day to have a lunch with a former College friend and then came to the Met Gala. He has never lived in Manhattan and seemingly never gone to the Met before so his reasoning for attending I suspect was not for love of opera, but I will get to that later. He had relocated to DC after working for Amherst College, his Alma Mater, as a fundraiser for the last several years. All of his back story was classic aggrieved white male, down to drunken abusive father from a family of import from some small town in Pennsylvania. But apparently that “name” opened the door to a private exclusive all male prep school in Boston and with that onto Amherst. At the time Amherst was also exclusively male and he was clear about how he hated men. He said that his school years were hateful times in his life, but in his Junior year he went on an exchange year to Paris where he met a fantastic (female) Teacher whom changed his life. In other words he got laid. But anyway, he returned to Amherst, graduated, married and then the details seemed lacking or I was already killing a bottle of wine and missed some of them. Seriously this was getting boring and odd. After a while I thought what the fuck is this, an audition? And for what? He divorced wive #1 after 20 years and remarried a woman for the next 17, had no children with her but it was an unhappy time (I guess like Prep School abusive and unkind and no sex? Yes folks I did ask had been hazed and sexually assaulted) He has now five Grandchildren and in fact joined his adult daughter on the flight to NYC. He is now dating a woman, whom he met ironically, or coincidentally at the Opera in DC. As well clearly the Met is not his scene. He continued to remind me how he hated his youth and the boys and men he met or knew growing up, although I guess not the former schoolmate he had lunch with earlier but he LOVED women. Dear God I get it dude I really do. You are like all the aggrieved white males who despite it all it was never enough, not right in some way and that you cannot get over the tragedies in that time in your life. He said he was in therapy and felt he had worked through his problems and was willing to continue to be whole. And he was now doing something new and was quite successful at it and was enjoying it. What “that” was unclear and his knowledge of DC was slight as I had just returned, he had never heard of the hotel I was at which I thought a red flag as again much of his backstory which was missing some details that too mean one of two things, liar or con artist. Now neither can be true, but he is only sightly older than me, but again the whole name dropping but not name dropping was odd. He hated school and yet there are many many famous alumnae of Amherst of acclaim and that could have been his peers. And if you hated the place and the associations why in the fuck would you go back there and work? I would run run far away. And I have so I should know.

As the evening wore on and I was signaling the Waiters for more wine stat! He commented on that I was a good listener and yes, yes I am while swilling free booze and trapped I can be a great sound board. I cannot say the same for him, he forgot his hearing aids! Uh what? Okay then. But there is a point that either you are being hit up for money as I was at the last fund raiser, as you are sort of a given “mark,” or was it for sex? Either P – pussy or pocketbook – is what truly defines my worth at my age and neither are open for business unless there is free booze and glamour and then the AmEx is out of pocket, the pussy still no. It was exhausting and amusing all at the same time and of course this explains why I do not make a habit of this kind of thing. There are better ways to get a tax write off, really there are. I doubt he could tell you one thing about me other than I was a former Teacher and with that I am sure he was sure he had no wealthy widow to flop shack with. And despite loving women, I was not a potential fill in the blank. . And finally after the clock hit 12 my Gucci sneakers turned to dust I left to catch the Subway with believe it or not other Gala attendees. Yes folks we do travel on public transit here all the time at any time. And with that I got home made tea and organized all my stuff, doing laundry and hitting the sack exhausted but satiated with the story and the music in my head.

Today sharing the story with my Concierge I was laughing at the regalia and my own worries about what to wear but that I would not be doing that again regardless. I am sure there are other non profits that may have equally interesting fund raisers in the future that await my attendance, or not. And within that convo I was talking about the financial climate, the odd global strength of the US dollar despite inflation and how a British woman whom I also met at the Gala had commented on the rise of the homeless both here and in London and that it was distressing as she felt uncomfortable. Funny it is always women and when you come into a city of money that this issue stands out more than many. This is nothing compared I think to the West Coast or again I have become immune to it. She works for the company that live films and streams the Operas for theater and comes to this annually and noticed that this year it seems worse. I commented that I would love to go to London given that the Pound is dropping but with that the costs they easily offset the exchange rate, and regardless it is a lose-lose when you hear about families not being able to afford energy and food. It reminded me of my honeymoon in West Indies, also not good. And with that the woman who also works in the building or has a friend here was listening to my monologue, decided to comment that I was wrong about well all of it. She informed me that she follows the foreign market and that the Pound and the Euro are worth more and that costs in London are less than here and went on and on with shit that was so incorrect I knew it was time for a topic shift. I offered her my copy of the Times and WSJ to enable her to read my source and in which to further understand what I believe was happening in the global markets, knowing full well that she was not reading them, as this is not an educated woman. And I know this how? As when she heard me talking about Medea she thought it was a Tyler Perry show made into the Opera. Yes folks we gots some problems here. I am a what? A good listener and former Teacher and I seem to play those roles as well as any seasoned player can. But I am exhausted of it and I would just love to actually have a convo with someone who fucking reads! And with that many of the people I meet here have never set foot in Manhattan, never heard of the Opera, know nothing of that type of art form and frankly it is tragic, grim and pathetic. In fact when explaining that opera is often remade into pop culture I pointed out that Rent was based on La Boheme. The next question, “Did it have a Gay theme too?” Okay. But again some of my table mates who spent some serious cash were not exactly Rhodes Scholar’s either. As the song goes, Money can’t buy you class but it can’t buy you brains despite having an Ivy League credential I guess.

Oh well I am off to write an Opera of my own. It is called January 6th and told via the spirit of Ashli Babbit where it is King Lear meats Macbeth and all hell breaks lose and ends in flames much like Medea.

This was the individual sitting just two row ahead.

Missing his partner as she was equally adorned

He was one of several men looking beyond stunning

One of the Versace Crowd

Christine Baranski (who I wished I saw)

This is in the tent and with that she looks way unhappier than was .. bad table?

Give No Fucks

I decided to have that made into business cards and simply pass them out anytime I have an encounter that crosses the line into aggression. I am exhausted trying to please, pretend, ignore or avoid the endless stupidity, rudeness and lack of tolerance by others. This was always a part of society but the pandemic put the accelerator on full when it comes to the issue of public versus private. We can assume that when we are in public settings there are protocols and expectations but those are often not mutually agreed upon, have differences between cultures and can be hard to maintain when again you are not all in agreement about said behaviors and expectations. A good example is walking down the street, it used to be said to walk to the right and watch at corners for crossing lights, traffic etc. The birth of the magical 3×5 card has made that a complete non-existent rule and is why now I see on corners literally pasted on lights, notes on how to cross. Are you fucking kidding me? This is taught in grade school, reinforced by parents and well over time etched into one’s brain. Now I frequently cross against lights but that look both ways guide plays into that and that I boogie regardless, I do not leisurely cross a street, ever.

But today we also have a narc or cancel culture that has crossed the line to obsessiveness. Watching or caring about others behaviors seem to some to be a full time job and I wonder how you are “living in the moment” when you are monitoring everyone else’s behavior. This is why even before the pandemic I rarely subbed in Elementary Schools, the need to tattle to be the hall monitor among the little people is deeply annoying. I know that in fact is a way of reinforcing and cementing what they have learned about expectations and rules but to an Adult who is not in the business of teaching those it is annoying. I was telling the Barista at the coffee shop about how I see children, like annoying co-workers whom I have to tolerate on a daily basis. They just happen to change out like the great resignation where you barely know them and then they quit but a new crew of equally annoying ones are just outside waiting to come in. Kids are annoying and germ carrying and despite all the bullshit about schools being safe, they are not in so many ways when it comes to transmitting disease. Funny how now schools are the lifeblood of the community when a few years ago they were responsible for ignoring bullying and of course violence that became school shootings. Have not heard one single word about that last one? No cause then it cancels the message that schools are safe. Are they? The perpetual conundrum, it is like living in the South where they say one thing, promptly ignore that and do an completely different thing. No it is not hypocrisy to them, it is a way of life. I never got used to it and never will. If anything I am a straight shooter, no pun intended.

Then we have the new Covid protocols and rules which seem to change on a daily basis, thanks to the ineffectual messaging of the CDC. The one thing certain regardless of the Administration in charge, this is one agency determined to remain utterly useless. And yet I hear so many citations and quotes you would think it is Moses come down from the Mount every time Fauci speaks. I have been quite clear in my distaste and distrust of this man since the days of AIDS and he has done little to change my mind. But to white people he seems to be their deity. There are others, you just have to turn off the TV and read some.

So far I have not been wrong yet about Covid. Again this comes from being in schools, teaching seventh-grade science enough you learn a thing or two. Virus have different R Factors and different times of airborne lifespan. In the early days the CDC was certain it was only droplets that led to the spread and that they could travel six feet. I went to a production of Assassins (an oddly prescient musical by Stephen Sondheim that addresses gun violence and the need to be infamous over preserving Democracy…hmmm) and there I could literally see the spit, droplets coming from the mouths of the cast. They flew about a foot. Try spitting let me know. But right there in a small theater for over one hour and half that would have been a close call for superspreader event for all the cast and those sitting in the front row. Again liquid turns into gas that becomes what? Airborne. But the issue is how long does it survive in air? And finally a study was made, it breaks up in about 5 minutes. There is something to know! I was row two and I recalled the Teacher who transmitted Covid, maskless to her students all in the front row during story time. And then the virus (via the now newly infected students) moved literally down row by row. And that again is easy, that happened over the course of the day, through the biggest event of children in a school day – lunch. A table of four children in a cafeteria, one student is pos, the other three will follow. And with this new variant that is a given. 1:4. Old covid 1:3.5 and kids shed faster thanks to smaller nasal passages. And then they go home and share away. One mother in the Washington Post told the story of her son and how he brought home a special treat from school. The entire family of 4 had covid and he was the only one not vaccinated but he like his family were lucky. Note that schools are safe. Sure they are… not.

But regardless of where I sit now in theater I wear a KN95 mask which has a 2.5 hour staying time for infection contraction if NO ONE is wearing masks and the theater require those so I assume they are all garbage and go from there. That is all I need to know and the type of mask and the length of time in presence of an infected person is 15 mins for no mask up to 25 hours in KN95. So if you are running to the store and you are masked even in cloth and the room is varied in type or lack of mask, you have 30 minutes to complete your task. Again type and time matter. That has never changed. In the beginning I went everywhere in a cloth mask with a 30 minute clock to finish the job. And I kept moving. I have changed that now with the theater but the mask has changed. I wear KN95 in schools and I keep windows open as that ventilation issue has not changed either. And now in the gym with others I avoid it but windows if possible or a K95 but frankly working out at three am is fine by me. That has NOT CHANGED.

I am fortunate I don’t live with anyone and my largest risk is where – in the schools. Mask wearing inconsistent, vaccines inconsistent, ventilation inconsistent and the number of bodies roving in and out, constant. And with that being in the public settings. I don’t congregate and find a bar or restaurant where it is me and few others. and yes they exist. I had a Champagne at the Wolfgang Puck’s the other day and it was me and a man seated on the far other end of the bar. That is the way I like it. How long was I there? Less than 30 minutes that much I am certain.

As for New York handling the Covid surge? As they always did, oblivious. Now the spread is rising in the wealthier areas as they believed that rule that they made up that they were impervious to the disease and the vaccine protected them. Sure, whatever. The Cognitive Dissonance exhibited by many New Yorkers, largely the wealthy and white is astounding. They have a sense of entitlement that belies a privilege that enables them to live in one of the world’s expensive cities and regardless of their own net worth they exude an arrogance that Southerner’s would be proud to call their own. They are just missing that level of ignorance that the South has cornered. You cannot live in a major urban city and be that bereft of some intellect but New Yorker’s are not exempt from that at all. That is why the city is often attributed to being the rudest. And yet Southern Hospitality is not all that either but few have lived in both and with that I have this thing called perspective and with that I call it as I see it. So the cards on are on the way and it will save time in trying to have a conversation that leaves me lacking. I recall that from my days in Nashville and I have no desire to repeat them here. For what it is worth I am glad to be living here versus anywhere else.

Tree Falls Sound Made

The adage if a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound is about the idea that if no one is there to hear it fall then there is no sound, no noise to record or echo to mark the occasion. So sound requires a human presence in which to make it exist. We now know that sound exists without human input or output and that we don’t live in a world where all the noise is centered around humans and yet we are a loud group that loves to make noise. Lots and lots of noise.

I used to write in my blog two to three times a day when something passed across the desk that I found interesting, then I decided to work on the essays that I wanted to publish about living in Nashville; Essays that began as blog posts and had since been revised and consolidated to provide a strong perspective about living there as a single woman, strong liberal and highly educated and opinionated, as well as Atheist, in a city that prides itself as being the Buckle of the Belt in the region that prides itself on its numerous Churches. No song better comes to mind when I think of Nashville, as Gimme that Old Time Religion, no Country anthem could come close.

Since that time in conversation with a book store owner she suggested and I agreed that perhaps this was best a fiction novel that takes me out of the center of the story, less the protagonist but more the antagonist who is the outsider looking in and walking away with nothing but lessons learned and perspectives not confirmed but not denied either. And that describes my time there, one where I had some preconceptions, and some were validated and others decimated as I dug in to try to understand that complex place of contradictions.

Since that time we have had a series of events, from the pandemic to the protests centered on the death of George Floyd to the insurrection of January 6th. And with that I observed it all from the window to the world, my television and MAC, in which to weigh in. That is not a live lived as, no participation required. Writing on the blog, posting the necessary links to the necessary social mediums, adding more and more links, cross posts and endless chatter to build audience did the one thing it was not supposed to do, enable me to write, that living thing as well, only before I had managed to do both until sidelined by Covid protocols. When does one actually write when you are writing flash card nonsense, LOOK AT ME!, everywhere and nowhere. If no one likes, retweets, and notes said posts are words read? Is a sound heard?

And with that we have Podcasts, we have Substack, we have YouTube, we have TikTok, Snapchat, Medium, Patreon and many many others which we have to pay to play or read and the endless parade of blogs that still continue in which to express a viewpoint, plug a product or just vent which has been the triad I have used in this blog over the years in which to earn a supplement to this thing called living.

All of exhausts me and no longer provides anything but an outlet to write upon occasion when my tree needs to fall. And it was this article (reprinted below) in the Washington Post about how we don’t speak to strangers anymore. And this is why I moved to Jersey City to be able to have the random encounters that provided enough stimulation and pleasure in which enabled me to live largely in isolation long before Covid. Anyone who has been to Manhattan can tell you that these are the lifeblood of what comprises this amazing city. I can have these exchanges and find myself laughing or shaking my head but no harm nor foul as I can walk away at my own recognizance and be better for it. Of course the comments page is full of either the sayers or the nayers of this notion, and again the funny thing is that almost all the negative comments are from the self espoused liberals, those who believe in equanimity and equality, ranting that they will never speak to a Trumpster ever!!! Coming from Seattle I have long said that liberals there are just as dogmatic and intolerant as any conservative I met in Nashville, they bookend perfectly. But don’t tell them that, Sheep get riled when confronted with ugly truths and facts that neither side seem to agree upon. And with that the presumption that I have the audacity to say yes, speak to someone not like you is a good thing, is met with derision and dismissal. My favorite new criticism is that I am not a woman but an incel. Wow I knew I had a masculine voice when I write but this one is a topper!

So go out and say something benign. Do not start on Trump/Vaccines or other hot bed issues, but on the weather, the Yankees as that does seem to bring on the passion so maybe not, or find a laugh about anything that makes you laugh, small kid throwing a tantrum, a dog’s face and see if you can build a bridge then burn it down. You walk away better and in turn wiser.

Opinion: We’ve stopped talking to strangers. Here’s why we should start again.

Opinion by Helaine OlenColumnist October 5, 2021

I like to talk to strangers.

Or, maybe I should say, I liked to talk to strangers. Given the opportunity, I’ll yak with people I encounter walking my dog or those sitting next to me on a plane or train. I’ve heard about financial woes and career successes, and given and received advice on childrearing and medical care with people I’ve met once and never seen again.

But the past 18 months have not been good for people with my inclinations. Masks donned for protection make it all but impossible to share a smile with someone only momentarily in our orbit, which is often the signal someone is open to an approach. Social distancing hardly encourages transitory conversation — most people don’t, after all, shout chitchat at others waiting in line for coffee or to pay at the farmers market.

This loss isn’t specific to me, though. Transitory connections are good for all of us, as people and as a nation.

In-person encounters allow us to experience life from others’ perspective. As journalist Joe Keohane put it in his recent book, “The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World,” talking to strangers, even for a few seconds, makes us “better, smarter, and happier people.”

Keohane documents in painstaking detail how more connections, even brief ones, made with people we don’t really know — think postal workers and baristas — enhance our daily contentment.

But these interactions were declining even before the pandemic. The age of social media and inequality is not a friendly one. Consider: One study that I’ve written about found that the wealthier individuals are, the less they looked at fellow humans they passed on the street. Another study, cited by Keohane, paired students for simulated job interviews. Turned out, the wealthier conversation partner was generally less socially engaged. Academics believe the more money people have, the less they believe they need other people — and, all too often, act accordingly.

Yet connections are something humans crave and whose absence we notice, even when the relationships that lapse weren’t particularly close. (Personally, I’ve long been convinced that the modern obsession with dogs — one I proudly share — is partly about our need for human connection and a way of obtaining it. Anyone who walks a dog regularly knows that the query “Friendly?” checks both human and canine temperament.)

Social media is often portrayed as a substitute for intimate and casual companionship but offers no such thing — as anyone sitting in a train car amid passengers absorbed in their phones can attest. It narrows our networks to people who think like us, which ultimately can lead to extremism in diet, politics and other areas. Facebook says its goal is to “give people the power to build community and bring the world closer together,” but the platform has deepened divisions and isolation for many.

And in-person discussion has powerful abilities to bring people together. For all the reach of digital ads, many pollsters and policymakers still engage in “deep canvassing,” a form of political outreach in which people supporting a particular position — say, abortion or immigration — knock on doors and ask voters why they believe what they do. They listen without expressing judgment, ask about times people showed or received compassion, and share their own experiences. These conversations have been shown to change minds.

In other words, it’s good for society when people talk to others who are not just like them. It can promote personal and civic welfare. It can make for more open-minded individuals and allow us to see and better accept people who differ — in politics, class, race or otherwise. Talking to strangers, Keohane notes, “can even reduce prejudice, cool off partisanship and help mend fractured societies.”

Perhaps it’s not surprising that covid-driven isolation has deepened our national divisions. These days, what once would have been considered rude behavior is encouraged in the name of self-protection. We limit our social networks and minimize talking to neighbors. It’s now acceptable to admit our co-workers’ casual interruptions interfered with our output. And what happens when our bubbles become normalized? We no longer even need to encounter the underpaid gig worker delivering dinner. Instead, they leave the order at the door and send a text announcing its arrival.

It sometimes seems that social distancing provides an excuse to avoid the sort of interpersonal contact that many people find uncomfortable. But it’s worth remembering that this discomfort can be key to our collective thriving.

Loneliness surged during the pandemic, and so did reports of depression. The sense of malaise, sadness and anger in some quarters, even as society lurches back, is almost certainly related, at least in part, to our continued lack of in-person connections. Here’s a thought: Try speaking with strangers and casual acquaintances again. It can offer a quick pick-me-up in the near term — and might help reduce broader tensions.

Big Rent Due

While I have written about the issues facing residential renters that is a double edged problem as some owners are small scale landlords with one or two investment properties that rent is the primary financial investment to pay the mortgages, taxes and incidental costs required to maintain and own investment properties. In 2008 many single investors bought numerous properties with the intent of owning as a method of long term investment and when that market collapsed it led many tenants in the lurch as banks foreclosed or the property was sold to larger REIT venture capitalists in which to again refurbish and resell or use as rental markets demanded including short term/Airbnb use. That too is another fallout post Covid for the small investor who are now listing furnished properties for rent with shorter leases in anticipation for the long term while others are simply moving to the more traditional means or trying to sell them. And once again the venture capitalists are quickly buying up such properties as well for their own long term gain.

That said the multiple family units be they condos or apartments are a market I have yet to see what will result as again I suspect many residents will want out of such hot boxes of confinement due to costs, lack of space and simply fewer demands to distance upon entering or exiting the property. The building behind me is one such example as an albatross that they stupidly accelerated and now will have multiple expensive units in which will go vacant for I suspect quite some time.

This from Forbes:  According to RealPage, about 370,000 new high-end units are to reach competition this year (although construction delays and disruptions could deflate this number), marking a 50% increase from the national supply that came online in 2019. 

“We have too much product that was either just completed or under construction and you’re not going to have people moving around as much as [it would be otherwise] typical in the near term,” says Willett. “It’s going be really hard to get that new product filled up.”

For the summer months, which usually see a peak in rental demand, it’s still hard to tell what the effects will be, despite the impacts already rippling throughout the industry.

“Everybody’s wondering what this all means for the summer leasing season,” says Robert Pinnegar, CEO of the National Apartment Association. “Traditionally, the summer period is when you see the most movement of people from property to property, from state to state, from city to the city.

“With the uncertainty that’s going on now, especially with the economy essentially being at a standstill, nobody really knows what that’s going to do. And the unknown factor here is what government policy is going to be with regards to how we interact when the businesses reopen.”

And if working from home becomes the norm it may mean larger plans other than just redesign and scheduling staffing needs for many companies as it too will have a ripple affect and nowhere will feel it more than Manhattan.

Which brings me to the issue of commercial properties which have been on the upswing in most markets, while housing lagged, this is one area of build that has not. Crane watch became the mantra of most business journals under some misguided (intentionally or not) to sell and market their cities to businesses in which to relocate their operations. Along with massive tax incentives that enables business to not pay income nor other revenue generating taxes for decades it become an inticing invite to enable business to hopscotch across America while small business are given no such breaks and they continue to generate the most jobs and in turn revenue to the state coffers. Then came Covid and that game changed.

Small business owners closed are already struggling with rent and now the added lootings we may see more closures and in turn that will affect overall taxes and mortgage burdens.   But it is not only the small businesses.

This from the Washington Post:   Nearly half of commercial retail rents were not paid in May. Companies as big as Starbucks say the financial devastation from the shutdown has left them unable to pay their full property bills on time. Some companies warn they will not be able to pay rent for months. And this from the New York Times:  If building owners cannot come up with enough money to pay their next property tax bill in five weeks, a deadline the city has refused to postpone, the city will be starved of an enormous revenue stream that helps pay for all aspects of everyday life, from the Fire Department to trash pickup to the public hospitals. It could lead to a bleak landscape of vacant storefronts and streets sapped of their energy.

But again like residential rents, commercial ones are not doing much to re-examine their balance sheets and rental agreements. This is from one such store owner in New York:  In 2018, even the national chains began closing more spaces than they opened. Rents have come down somewhat in a few heavy shopping arteries, but on the streets where I was looking to open stores, rents didn’t seem to budge. In 2019, rent for my NoLIta store jumped from $360,000 a year to $650,000.

And I laugh at the once adored WeWork that had everyone salivating at their “worth” that fell hard and fast before Covid and now it too has been infected with LayOff mentality and demands to reduce rents.

This is one new road we are going down and it sure as hell is like the rest of our infrastructure, rocky, bumpy and full of holes.

Office Towers Are Still Going Up, but Who Will Fill Them?

Developers around the country are grappling with the fallout from the coronavirus pandemic as tenants cancel plans and workers fear returning to the office.

The New York Times
By Kevin Williams
Published June 2, 2020

Before the pandemic shut down businesses, a robust economy had powered a building boom, sending office towers skyward in urban areas across the United States. The coronavirus outbreak, though, has scrambled plans and sent jitters through the real estate industry.

Skyscrapers scheduled to open this year will remake skylines in cities like Milwaukee, Nashville and Salt Lake City. Office vacancy rates, following a decade-long trend, had shrunk to 9.7 percent at the end of the third quarter of 2019, compared with 13 percent in the third quarter of 2010, according to Deloitte.

Developers were confident that the demand would remain strong. But the pandemic darkened the picture.

“There is a pause occurring as companies more broadly consider their real estate needs,” said Jim Berry, Deloitte’s U.S. real estate sector leader.

The timing is unfortunate for Mark F. Irgens, whose 25-story BMO Tower in Milwaukee opened in mid-April at the peak of the statewide lockdown in Wisconsin. A month later, a small fraction of typical daytime foot traffic was passing by as most businesses adhered to the governor’s stay-at-home directive, which expired last week. A restaurant that was slated for the ground level was canceled, and three potential tenants have delayed their plans.

Instead of showing off the building’s sparkling Italian marble floors and panoramic vistas of Lake Michigan, Mr. Irgens is worrying about who is going to pull out next and what type of corporate landscape he might face when the pandemic finally ends.

But he is not putting on the brakes. The BMO had been planned for five years, and he has leases to negotiate, investors to please, tenants to woo and loans to pay off.

“Development projects are different than making widgets,” he said. “You can’t stop; you can’t turn it off. You have to continue.”

Slowly, workers are filling their BMO offices. Managers, who were scheduled to report on Monday, constitute about 15 percent of the building’s occupancy. Mr. Irgens thinks it will be the end of the summer before it gets up to 50 percent. Without a coronavirus vaccine, it may be year’s end before the building approaches a “normal” occupancy, he said.

Other developers around the country are also dealing with the fallout, especially for towers with Class A space, regarded as the highest-quality real estate on the market. In most cases, new buildings are not fully occupied, and developers were counting on a strong economy to do the work for them. For instance, the BMO Tower was 55 percent leased before the pandemic.

The question facing the owners of office towers is: Will anyone still want the space when coronavirus crisis fades?

If the economic pain drags on, there could be long-lasting changes to the way people work and how tenants want offices to be reimagined, said Joseph L. Pagliari Jr., clinical professor of real estate at the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business. Some of the changes — like more spacious elevators — could be costly to put into place, he said.

The pandemic could be a “pivot point,” Mr. Pagliari said, and that would be bad news for building owners. The office towers were designed to be “best in class,” he said, but the pandemic has suddenly made their most salable amenities — common areas, fitness centers and food courts — into potential liabilities.

The economic crisis could also spur high interest rates on debt, which would cause building values to fall, Mr. Pagliari said. That may happen even if the crisis diminishes in the weeks ahead.

“The current pandemic has raised perceptions about the likelihood and consequences of future pandemics,” Mr. Pagliari said. Developers who can factor in such events will gain an advantage, but any skyscrapers that are built with pandemic fears in mind are years away.

The prospect that workers may want to continue working from home does not worry John O’Donnell, the chief executive of Riverside Investment and Development, which is developing a 55-story tower at 110 North Wacker Drive in Chicago. The tallest office building erected in the city since 1990, it is scheduled to open in August and will be anchored by Bank of America. Other tenants include law firms, many of which are doing business from home.

“There is a need for collaboration, team building, common business cultures and a continuous desire to have social contact within a business,” Mr. O’Donnell said.

The building is 80 percent leased ahead of its August opening. One tenant signed for 40,000 square feet of office space at the height of the lockdown, which Mr. O’Donnell took as an encouraging sign.

The building is already being adjusted to meet post-pandemic needs, something Mr. O’Donnell said newer structures were better able to do. Amenities are being updated to be touch free. And owners are talking with tenants about walk-through thermal imaging to monitor workers and visitors for fevers.

The pandemic will result in a demand for more office space, not less, said Paul H. Layne, the chief executive of the Howard Hughes Corporation, a national commercial real estate developer based in Houston. Developers will move away from the industry-standard 125 square feet per person toward roomier workplaces.

But others say it is too early to tell when demand for office space will return. Jamil Alam, managing principal of Endeavor Real Estate Group, said the situation would vary by city.

“There will be winners and losers,” Mr. Alam said, explaining that he thinks denser metro areas like New York and Boston, which have been ravaged by the coronavirus, could find their luster lost in favor of smaller markets.

Endeavor, which is based in Austin, Texas, has a portfolio that includes 15.6 million square feet of commercial real estate in cities like Dallas, Denver and Nashville. One of its projects, the 20-story Gulch Union, will be the largest office tower in Nashville when it opens in August with 324,254 square feet of office space.

Smaller markets like Nashville are well positioned for companies wishing to pull up stakes from major metropolitan areas with higher density and costs, Mr. Alam said. Gulch Union has leased 27,000 square feet, and four more deals totaling 40,000 square feet are near completion.

“Deals are still being done,” he said.

There will be an appetite for urban, walkable, mixed-use office environments, Mr. Alam said, and changes will need to be made in buildings over time, like fewer touch points on handles and elevator buttons.

But projects that have not been started yet will be paused, said Chris Kirk, managing principal of the Salt Lake City office of Colliers, the commercial real estate brokerage firm.

“If you are a developer or landlord or C.F.O., you are concerned,” he said. “Everyone is feeling the impact.”

And the city is experiencing a building spurt downtown. A 24-story Class A tower developed by City Creek Reserve, the development arm of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is scheduled for completion next year. The building, which will have 589,945 square feet of office space, is already 80 percent leased.

Salt Lake City has been averaging a new Class A office high-rise every decade, and the pace is increasing. Still, the pandemic might put the brakes on that.

“Anyone who would be coming out of ground speculatively now without the commitment has got to be thinking about their timing,” Mr. Kirk said.

Mr. Irgens hopes to ride out the pandemic and continue with other projects. In February, his company broke ground on a six-story building in Tempe, Ariz., and it is moving forward with a 235,000-square-foot Milwaukee office project that is 42 percent leased.

“My partners in my business are working really hard to figure out how to have business continuity, and it is really hard to do that,” he said. “Things are changing daily.”

Stress Test

We are all there now and the endless confusing messaging, the grandstanding by Politicians (this weeks winner the asshole from Kentucky, Thomas Massie) and the overall stillness of the city streets that ebb and flow depending on the weather and how stir crazy individuals get.

For the first time I shopped in a calm Whole Foods who were letting people in one at a time, the same with Target (although they were not really doing so as the joint was kinda empty like the streets) and the ferry once again transported a single passenger to Manhattan (me) and only myself and one other and the terminal empty, the Seaport path utterly deserted if not a few walkers/runners; All of which were kept within social distancing guidelines.   But yesterday when the temps hit in 70s I just felt I could not go out as I knew that they would be out there. They are those who seem to have no concept of social distancing, seem to think they and their baby carriages, dogs, bikes and partners they are walking with take priority when it comes to navigating the sidewalks.  Again why Jersey City closed its small parks that people could at least walk around or sit away from each other and be outside is beyond my understanding but then again this is the dick off where the Mayor here wants to shove his in anywhere he can prove his is the biggest as the State park a two stop light rail ride is wide open and all parks are open across the water so much for not leaving the house and confined to your closet in a tower of germs.

This has done one thing for me, never wanting to live in an apartment complex again. From not knowing how to properly dispose of waste/recycling/breaking down boxes to just their overall superiority that comes from insecurity explains why New York is the epicenter with Jersey as the second.  There is something about the mindset here that contributes to the way they behave and interact with others.  Before the virus I actually liked the tough as nails demeanor and it suited me but  with the crisis it like the medical center has revealed that beneath the tough shell is a weak soft mass of tissue that is utterly untenable.   Which explains the histrionics about how every city needs the biggest the mostest the bestst medical equipment to the overwhelming honorifics and beatitudes that have the medical professionals equivalent to the Military or the “First Responder” club which for decades has been the way to acknowledge those who work in shitty jobs but are given faux titles of respect to somehow compensate for failing to compensate and recognize them for their work and in turn excuse them for their behaviors when they fail to live up to these absurd concepts and beliefs about said men (and women) with guns.  And that goes with Doctors and Nurses and the bizarre parallel universe that has them now Generals and Soldiers on the “front” line of defense.  When we have heard repeated story after story of turning away symptomatic patients and in turn handling some equipment and treatment without training and of course the decision about who gets treated versus who does not.   Expect more of that to be reveled when the crisis is over.

Yes folks I am not one to hyper grandstand or laud praise on those people who elect to enter fields of choice, pursue the necessary study, licensing or training required to be in said fields.  As we also know the quality and consistency of said education and training is a variable that is akin to the transmission of a virus, it is a matter of luck and some careful precautions.

I saw a parade in one Jersey township of lovely white middle class families lining the streets of their neighborhood with signs and balloons as the Teachers drove through the streets in their own cars and waved to the adoring students and their families.   I would love to see that say in the Bronx or Queens which are the hot zones for the virus and where many families have no access or availability of the internet connections, space or tech skills required to access distant learning. Again like the restaurant and food industry you get what you pay for and what you can pay for defines the type of food and place you can eat. And the same concepts of Education that you can apply to the food industry you can apply to the medical industrial complex as well.    Access and availability are dependent upon your income, your status in society and of course race and gender as well as age. Ugly truths are just that truths not ugly ones just uncomfortable ones, like anal warts or herpes. Treatable but not always curable.

This is not over by a long shot I suspect it will move through June as we now are cycling through a massive seasonal change that now revolves to the countries below the equator. As New Zealand already closed its borders and in turn contained the virus the same would have to be in all countries that are moving into winter when viruses thrive.   And it means all of those in the Northern climes have to vet, test and force not request FORCE those entering into quarantine for 14 days.  And yes we have that power to do so but how and to what that means is another massive attempt at closing ports both air and sea and mobilizing a massive effort to do so.  This is not impossible but it is.

Then we have the issues that run from immigration, residents on visa’s or pending ones, we have massive economic switches that have been pulled which means every single sector of our GDP will have to rethink how they do business and what that means for them going forward. This is not like 2008 which had to focus on the banks, lending and financial service industries.  NO, this is about every single business and industry and even institutions on how they will go forward post pandemic.

In 2008 that was called the stress test:  A bank stress test is an analysis conducted under hypothetical unfavorable economic scenarios, such as a deep recession or financial market crisis, designed to determine whether a bank has enough capital to withstand the impact of adverse economic developments. In the United States, banks with $50 billion or more in assets are required to undergo internal stress tests conducted by their own risk management teams as well as by the Federal Reserve.

Now change that word or business “bank” and replace it with Hospitals, Medical/Health Insurance, Education/Schools, Contracting, Food and Restaurant Industry, Supply Chain – as in any and all; Government,  Manufacturing; Tech, Utilities, Infrastructure, Communication, Hospitality, Small Businesses that run a wide gamut of type, Transportation both local, national and international, Finance and Investment, and even Government and its unyielding bureaucracy.  In other words: Every single business, industry and institution that provides services in the United States and within the larger global economy will have to undergo a stress test.

What that means again is deep cleaning to find out what is needed, what needs to be tossed and what we can use and repurpose for dual purpose or for something else entirely. Think about a multi cooker and all it can do in your home during a  medical crisis? Yogurt – check.  Rice – Check. Bread – Check. Sear – Check.  Steam – Check.  Slow cook – check.  High Cook – Check.  We now get why the Instant Pot  is so popular it does it all! That is one item that can withstand a stress test.

I suspect that some of these furloughs and layoffs will continue on well past the lifting of quarantine as each industry evaluates the need over the reality.  That insurance company, that bank, that distribution company or builder that has made do with a piecemeal effort of staffing and closing of offices, branches and moving those to online or remote work spaces I suspect will continue. This means that business can literally switch many employees akin to Uber drivers as they can work out of their home, using their own internet connections, equipment and more importantly their residence and this will reduce overall operating costs in which to downsize and in turn scatter their offices to varying cost friendly tax incentive award locations.   And that big bribe will become the new big dick in the room as varying States and Governors will use the data from Covid and their varying dick measuring protocols to prove how “SAFE” and “PRODUCTIVE” they were during this pandemic.  This is where the stress test is about voting and being active in the election process.  Some dicks need a condom to stop the spread of disease and some simply need a circumcision.

So Seattle, San Francisco, Boston (why I have no idea that place is horrid but whatever oh wait HARVARD)  and of course New York will end up as always winners in the crap shoot but then look at Nashville or other second tier cities that are already in mid stream but Tornados or other issues that plague the city – finding out it has no infrastructure, the industry they relied upon such as Hospitality is now suddenly a non essential service as we move forward will bring much of the growth to a halt. And the city long before the double whammy was already in budget crisis. So how it pulls out I am not sure but right now it won’t pass a stress test of any kind.

But that goes for many other cities of similar nature – Las Vegas. There was a mass shooting that should have already changed the way the game is played and now this.   As I suspect the old road trip will be the new staycation and the idea of getting on a flight to spread germs, get germs and the need to have a collective germ-a-thon, like Mardi Gras, Coachella and other larger festivals and gatherings will also need to be less of a must go, as can I see it online?

That will not last but the disposable income, the need to Instagram and top one another most likely will when you are simply trying to get out of this and move forward. America has always been a competitive top the Joneses type of country.  As my Parents were first generation Immigrant or second generation immigrant but WASPS in every sense of the word we were much more isolation oriented, aka “private” and yet highly socially conscious as my Parents saw first hand the troubles in ways that I had not.  And as a result I got how things get bad and how you get through it when it hits the fan.  Americans and that includes Immigrants as they came here in pursuit of the bullshit peddled to them and are in fact more vested in that mythology than the native born truly are narcissistic empty folks that rely upon colloquialisms and false notions peddled to them by those whom they have aligned.  The message is as only as good as the messenger and we have many that are mixed if not utterly contradictory. Few of them regardless can withstand a stress test.

I knew what that was like living in Nashville as I heard repeatedly the talking points peddled to them by the real leader in the City, the head of Tourism, Butch Spyrdion, then the Chamber of Commerce that also had tremendous influence if not actual policy plans that were enacted by the supposed elected council and my other favorite body of power, the MDHA that never met a plan or builder or a check attached to a developers hand than the housing authority.  And that is everywhere as I have seen some idiotic building here that blows me away for its arrogance.  And I call it that as the housing is not in line with actual incomes and businesses that live and work in Jersey City.  This is not a suburb of NYC it is a small city that would like to be Williamsburg but it can’t it just is Jersey and that is why I like it.  And I love Manhattan but funny I decided to not live there as I needed to always be socially distant so I would never get too close and too infected with all that is that city.  And all places are in the eye of the beholder. And I always do a stress test before I make a critical decision and while I did not fully do that in this move I am relieved to be here I cannot imagine living in Nashville during this nightmare.

This week 3 million filed for unemployment, that does not include the self employed, the gig employed, the contract employees or those small business owners.  Then we have what this means in the bigger cities with diverse economies that shut down fast and furious and put us all in shock and awe will come out of it better for it but there will be also a sea change about how we work and live. For years the greening of America encourage urban density and clearly we saw that sucks so I suspect a new model of the suburbs will evolve and rather than malls being shopping meccas they will become community centers that have gyms, older day care, younger day care, some shopping, some library and other services that enable mobility and opportunity. The other is building of better neighborhood schools and stopping the insanity of school choice as busing kids across townships is not healthy nor productive.  Perhaps finally Teachers may get the respect they deserve.  And in turn dying towns once neglected may find themselves restored and renewed the essential message of building green.  If it is broke can it be fixed and what does it take? Can it withstand the stress test?

We have become a nation of disposable wipes and then we hoard them when we need to share them. What that says is that we failed to learn that when we were young but then again when all those around you fail to model what they ask you do to.. don’t do as I do do as I say … well you get what we have today.  I was well schooled and maybe this might do what we have failed to do for decades in the me nation.  Ah fuck it we will be back to it within 24 hours of this pandemics end.  Just go for a walk and see what I see.  It is not pretty it won’t stand up to the stress test.