Long Time Gone

I rarely write anymore. At all. I was a prodigious blogger and journal keeper. I did it daily to remind myself of the day past, issues of import and as a way of connecting with the larger world. Covid came and with that my time was my own, truly my own and I wrote with the intent of publishing, then the bubble burst. I have described the Covid experience of that cocoon being akin to the Seattle World’s Fair and their Bubbleator form of transport is what it has been like to transition back into the post Covid world. Irony that the time frame was 10 months, the same time it takes to gestate and give birth. But to some that Pregnancy seemed much too long and for others it was definitely a premature one. Regardless of how one views Covid, we are not recovering from any of it in any sane way.

There is Politics and these next five months will make the Covid Quarantine period (irony as that lasted barely 5 months) seem quaint. How do I know the exact time periods? Well I documented the time we were finally told to quarantine which was March 13, 2020 and when I finally started to attend events in September of that year and when vaccines became available in 2021 for widespread use, but were already available for some by December 2020. And once I finished my sequence in March 2021 I was ready for take off and landing. I began to travel and did not contract Covid myself until 2022 in irony of all places Washington DC. I even know where I contracted it, the African American Museum, crowded and unmasked and over three hours there. With that 72 hours later and I knew. I did all the right things then and have since only continued flu shots and have moved on with the endless discussion on the subject as much as possible. I recall working in the schools and the idiocy surrounding the disease from inception to today and there is nothing gained from recalling any of it. I still have some masks as I realize that they can be handy if you are sick, otherwise it is a waste of time. Seeing playgoers on Thursday night sitting behind me at Stereophonic ( which will win Tony award for Best Play) made me feel sad for them. As I said then, and as I say today, STAY HOME. And that is not just Covid it is about being so infirmed that you cannot move with enough ease it may be time to find a new way of finding pleasure in the arts. The walkers, the canes, the mobility devices in which to navigate and make it all challenging for everyone. And no folks I am not being Ageist, I am 65 and know that one day I have to pack it in, so live in the now. I do think that many Museums are now addressing that with numerous online options and other ways to partake in the viewing of art. There was an attempt at livestreaming and that has passed but many still are filming productions and frankly those need to be sold as one would tickets and still generate support, especially for productions that struggle to gain an audience. Lempicka might have been one to try out and enable a better recoup of costs. But we are not there yet when it comes to Broadway and it is a loss for all.

It was Broadway that was the first to open doors, with masks and then later vax cards. The Metropolitan Opera did the same and it is why I am forever grateful that they continued on despite it all. I never enjoyed anything more and yet now I find myself tired of them both. But that may be just because as I joke, I go to the opening of an envelope, so with that I am pulling back. This is not my support as that comes in other ways, but in attendance. I have to go to what brings joy. So as I see the Season ticket offers come in, I pick less and wait for the spontaneous joy it comes if I decide to go to a show within a time frame that is less than a year away.

As I have found myself contemplating another move and more change I have decided this time to plan longer and decide over time. With that I am divesting myself of stuff that is junk, selling clothes that do not fit or suit, getting the right furniture that will work and last, and even purging books. I have set up a little library in my buildings’ amenity lounge. The first one set up on a window sill was removed as it was “unsightly” but I transplanted that to an empty cupboard, put a sign up and add books as I go. I am seeing some additions to it so others may be discovering this and using that resource and with that I urge others to try ways to share reading and books as they are still essential at any time of the year. Books are treasures in which to find, so find some and share them.

But as for publishing it is again a field awash with its own issues. The major houses have tried to merge and consolidate. Some are dissolving their imprints and laying off individuals brought in to address inequity in publishing. And with the larger issues of DEI being questioned in the corporate world, this is no different. What that means for Writers of a unique voice should mean nothing or everything. What it also means is that many will not be heard at all and that is all our losses. With that in mind I do again look to Broadway as an example. The “lesson” plays and musicals have closed. The pre theater announcement of it being on “stolen land” has stopped and the hysteria of diverse casting for just the point of it with no point other than that has seemingly ended. Talent matters and sometimes that is all that matters. Stereophonic is about the band Fleetwood Mac (allegedly) and had to cast those who talent mattered and with that they found a cast who are all new faces and voices; however, when can you go to a Play about music there is one caveat, there also had to be music. It was amazing. To see that over the debacle Here Lies Love was refreshing. Take note, David Byrne. Irony his cast album is in fact famous singers singing the tunes from the “musical” Even his cast he disbanded. Money clearly matters when it comes to any production.

The other best play I saw this season was Appropriate. (is that an oxymoron?) That it had a first run off Broadway a few years ago and was like many closed without notice or making news. Even Sondheim had that and now after death his most infamous flop, Merrily We Roll Along, rolled in with great success and acclaim. So there you go fame lives on as does talent. Thankfully that it too was given a second life, the cast and direction were fresh and the voices on that stage brought the same words to life and to light about an ugly subject – Racism. And in death it too lives on. Funny that the Playwright is Gay, is Black and yet is given nowhere near the attention as the Authors of Strange Loop or Slave Play where both of those men are the same. The difference is that frankly nowhere near as talented as Brandon-Jacob Jenkins has demonstrated. Perhaps that lack of attention and lights will be rectified on Sunday as I so hope to hear more from that voice in the future.

With that I am going to see Cabaret a new production of an old theme and work as is Tommy, both I go with the idea they will be at least “different”, not original but different. As with that I also saw the adaptation of Enemy of the People with Jeremy Strong of Succession and Michael Imperoli of the Sopranos and it was well done and more importantly well acted on a subject and matter that is very contemporary. I truly loved it for that once again Strong shows what a risk taker he is and he deserves all the respect an actor deserves for that. Like or hate him he is something to see on stage. As for Michael Imperoli my mad crush remains intact.

I think we all want to be heard and it may explain the rising violence, the protests and the rising angst of many often showing in signs of mental health crisis. Suicides are rising and let’s not discuss addictions that often are ways of self-medicating. Coming out of that Bubble and Cocoon is a struggle when you have no mirror in which to model how to adapt, integrate and assimilate. I don’t see this changing for a long long time. And perhaps that is why I don’t write, I have nothing more to say. Well about this subject, but there are always others that matter more.

Being Invisible

The expression to walk in someone else’s shoes is perhaps the one thing we do the least. It is called having empathy and compassion for those whom you are not like. Try to imagine being deaf and not being able to articulate your feelings through words nor hear others express theirs. And it does not have to be as complex as those issues that we often hear so much about – Race, Gender Identity, Sexual Identity, Culture/Religion as those are often better expressed by those within if one is willing to actually listen and actively hear all what they have to say. And sometimes is a jumbled mess of thought, rambling, incoherent and often contradictory if not confusing. I felt that way about the Musical Strange Loop and while I applaud its audacity and the desire to tell it, it was a hot mess of words, with few if no songs of meaning and passionately but poorly acted. I am not the only one who came out of that Theater and thought this was a workshop piece better for experimental Off Broadway, but this is what now we what we need to see on Broadway to open one’s eyes to the “others.” I spoke to someone who is Queer and went opening night and was subjected to the Author rambling on for over an hour and half about the role of theater and how they have to include the voices of color and queer and so forth. He said it was like the play only worse. I can imagine. And with that I saw a lot of awkwardness this theater season and when they give best Revival of a Play to Take Me Out, a play that is over 20 years old and has been in the news of the leaked dick pic I am sure that was why it was given an award. I did not see it as I recall the original and it was poignant and meaningful at the time and now seems dated. Funny I don’t remember the dick, it was that meaningless. For the record, the Queer Gentleman who hated Strange Loop also loved Girl from the North Country as did I, and felt it was the best thing he has seen in a long time, so much he wrote the Producers who invited him to see it again. It was that great, the canon of Bob Dylan is put to good use in this amazing work. And despite it all Broadway is struggling, as is the Metropolitan Opera. I went again on Saturday to the final performance of the season to see the Rake’s Progress and it was AMAZING. I had a Box to myself there were boxes empty next to me, and seats unfilled throughout. This was not the first time as the Orchestra is largely full mostly due to access issues but the tiers are empty. I assume the Ballet in two weeks will be equally scattered with audience as it is the Pacific Northwest Ballet company visiting the City and is not a FOMO thing that New Yorker’s seem to gravitate. Folks it is tourists that I am sure. I look forward to it regardless as I still find seat mates as I did at the Met who was a true theater goer and it was fun to dish on the varying productions in the city.

But this is not about the Tony Awards (which for the record I did not watch but I struggle with award shows of any kind) but about being invisible and not being seen and there is no greater metaphor than that of the Theater as so few actually do see theater and with that the sheer amount of people it takes to put on any kind of production is what enables this art to continue and in reality that is who must be acknowledged for their work. In fact the host made a point of acknowledging the most invisible of theater’s members – Swing and Understudy’s. And with that many shows had Producers covering roles (Hamlet is one which I hear is also a hot mess but emphasis on hot as at least Daniel Craig is in it.) And while I loved that Company won for scenic design as it was the one thing trashed in the reviews I read and there were many times it often was stuck or stalled, thankfully again I did not see that the night I attended; however it shows that awards are just that, a strange loop. So winning an award might put butts in seats and might not. Strange Loop is for a specific audience while SIX is for anyone. And it is actually quite fun. Reviews and acclaims give you notice and attention, sometimes that is not a good thing. But once in awhile I would love someone to at least notice me in a meaningful way, not to get into my pants or to find their hands to my checkbook. But the theater is my safe space, my place I go to dream, to imagine and to think. And with that I have random encounters with others who for that moment sustain and fulfill the emptiness that overwhelms me of late.

Being invisible does take a toll, it can affect how you see yourself and how you see others. Perhaps that too explains why Mass Shooters pick grand targets, such as Schools or Churches, as they are so visible of targets with great victims in which we can all emphasize. So the flip remark to arm school Teachers and turn schools into fortresses is not the first time we have heard this absurd rhetoric nor the last as it is all they have to offer versus examining the real problem – access to guns.

Schools are not just buildings with Teachers and Students, they are composed of Secretary’s, Attendance Secretary’s, School Nurse (not always every day but there at least part of the time), School Counselors, at least two Admins, Custodians, Lunch Room Staff, Student Aides, be they for special needs or language translation and/or Teachers Assistants. There can be also grant positions that are placed within schools and do tutoring or other gigs that have them working directly with Students and of course volunteers at times and lastly Substitute Teachers. At any time a school is like a grand mall, with upwards over 1,000 students in some larger High Schools with many Middle Schools coming close to that number. That was quite true in Nashville and they were a disaster to navigate in the best of times, I cannot imagine what it would be like in the worst. When you are not a full time staff member you do not have a Computer, a school email, you have no way of communicating with others in the building as often there is no phone nor listing of numbers if there was on whom you are to call. You have an attendance roster and once that is gone to the Attendance Office you have no list of Students names or contact info. You have nothing and often they don’t even know your name as it is only on a sign in sheet when you arrive. But if you are wearing your ID badge at least they can identify the body. In Jersey City where I work now there is no phone just an intercom in which to contact the room and with that it goes over a public address system, what a fine way of informing any intruder about one’s locale.

I have no keys to a room, no protocol to follow. Not a lesson plan or even a note as to what the students are expected to do. I have not participated in any drills and if I have it may have been at a school I was at the week before not the one I am in now. I am not interested in the Student’s safety only my own as I have no health care, nor family in this case in which to notify if I am harmed. I am ostensibly a gig worker paid daily for being a seat filler. I am ignored by Staff unless they choose to acknowledge me and often by Admins utterly derided or verbally abused by in front of students, sending the message it is permissible for then to do the same. Think that builds community and a desire to save them in a crisis? No it is every man/woman/child for themselves at that point. I have said repeatedly I would walk to the door, open it and shut it from the other side as I look to exit the building.

I am in massive buildings that have literally attics as classroom spaces with one stairwell up in which to access it and the same to exit it. Basements and Gyms with multiple rooms and doors in which to hide and terrorize. No keys, no one and no way to know which way is truly the safest way out. And with that Students who neither pay attention nor respect me in the “best” of times, I seriously doubt in a crisis one they would. In fact I suspect some would use the opportunity to bring me harm.

The Mayor of Jersey City, Steve Fulop, is the most disengaged of Mayor’s that I have ever experienced with regards to the state of the schools here. Odd as the schools are still under State control and with that has only an interim Superintendent and the man is planning to run for Governor, so the only feathers to his cap is that he built a lot of expensive housing that all have massive tax incentives that mean they contribute little to nothing to the City and the schools which is what property taxes do, fund education. With that the City residents are expecting to pay either an income or additional property taxes to cover the BILLION dollar budget the very newly elected Board approved this year, from the INTERIM Superintendent. All very odd and frankly not a great idea. I do believe the schools are dilapidated and outdated. They have expensive air filtration in rooms for Covid and high end projection screens but toilets that don’t work, no air conditioning, windows that do open or not but should regardless of air conditioning. Empty classrooms not used and endless outdated texts and sad Libraries not up to date or even frankly functional or useful. Yes this is money well needed but likely not well spent.

I have one last Sub job booked and with that I have outlasted even my most basic coping skills and at least I am no longer debating self-harm. I tie that to my time at the one High School that would assign me to random staff, without my consent and the Administrator who was literally verbally abusive and dismissive leading me to at least make one conscious decision to not return. That enabled me to remind myself of what it means to have control in ones life.

That is really about what all we are seeing of late, the failure of having control, the ability to exert it and in turn the rising tide of violence as a way to be seen and heard. The homeless on the street are not all “unhoused” but there is a massive housing crisis of affordable ones, and Jersey City is truly not the exception. The pursuit of money and of glory leads down one road and this is one paved with gold for the traveler, but the road is also a toll road and you have to pay to access it. And we all pay regardless of use.

As the summer will be another one of record heat and storms I wonder what state the road will be in come fall. Worn and not by those seeking relief but from the failures of those who had years in which to repair and replace it and chose not. Ah choice, that word again rears its ugly head. I am exhausted from that word, we choose many things in life and we keep on choosing to make decisions that seem to not serve us well. I am not sure why today 30 years later I chose Teaching other than it was the alternative to working in the food industry. I did not have mentors or Teachers that could have helped me find success and professional work that would have best suited me and enabled me to have what I need at this stage in life – friends, a professional career and work that sustained me in a meaningful way, both economically and intellectually. And yet I am supposedly in an honorable profession. I can assure I am not.